


at a point of breaking

by jowritesthings



Series: Sanders Sides One-Shot Collection [9]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (not explicitly mentioned but essentially what jan experiences), (the others aren't necessarily unsympathetic but they're not acting very nicely either), Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Arguing, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Deceit | Janus Sanders-centric, Ficlet, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:33:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27837613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jowritesthings/pseuds/jowritesthings
Summary: Janus, even after all of the other sides warily begin to accept him, still silences the others from time to time. it’s a part of his job. he just...does it. he takes no pride in it, but he accepts it, even embraces it sometimes.it’s a part of his role to thanklessly protect people—to protect the other sides, to protect Thomas.(to protect himself)*I own nothing. I am not in any way associated with Thomas Sanders or Sanders Sides. I merely wrote the plot and the story. Do not copy or repost to other websites or other places.
Series: Sanders Sides One-Shot Collection [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760926
Comments: 1
Kudos: 47





	at a point of breaking

**Author's Note:**

> okay so! we all know that canonically Janus can silence the others, right? he does that fancy li’l hand-wave-y thingie and it causes them to clap their own hand over their mouth, thus silencing them.
> 
> SO! let’s make that angsty, shall we?

Janus, even after all of the other sides warily begin to accept him, still silences the others from time to time. it’s a part of his job. he just...does it. he takes no pride in it, but he accepts it, even embraces it sometimes.

it’s not to _deliberately_ cause lies of omission or withhold the truth. certainly Janus enjoys a fair amount of chaos, but he doesn’t ever _intend_ to hurt the others. he just does his job as he sees fit and, regardless of whether the others like it or not, this means that the silencing is a part of his role as self-preservation and denial.

it’s a part of his role to thanklessly protect people—to protect the other sides, to protect _Thomas_.

~~(to protect~~ ~~_himself_ ~~ ~~)~~

so when the sides start arguing—when the words someone is saying are angry, harmful, incendiary. when someone is about to hurt someone else unnecessarily. when someone is scared to acknowledge the truth just yet. when someone isn’t _ready_ to acknowledge the truth just yet—that’s when Janus comes in.

when Logan’s logic will only make Virgil more anxious. when Virgil starts to overthink and suppress Remus. when Remus is about to say something that will make Patton cry. when Patton is about to lead Roman onto an unrealistic tangent. when Roman’s daydreaming is overpowering Logan’s logic.

(...and yes, admittedly when Janus doesn’t want to lose a debate, if he’s in a particularly bratty mood that day.)

there is much about himself that Thomas isn’t ready to know, much that Thomas isn’t ready to face. he must be able to take care of himself in certain aspects before he can hope to conquer other issues, so the responsibility falls onto Janus to delicately (and sometimes not-so-delicately) tug him onto that path.

and there are all sorts of occasions in which Janus’ ability is useful, really. so while he does take care not to overuse it, sometimes to keep people from fighting and needlessly causing damage, Janus has to whip out his little party trick and silence one of the others.

(always one of the others. never Thomas, never himself. he’s never tried either, isn't sure either would actually _work_ , frankly.)

but.

at a point of breaking, during an overemotional conflict, the script flips. something _changes_.

the others are arguing and they’re so so _loud_ , and Janus is so so _hurt_.

they’re all just...they’re _arguing_ and they’re _loud_ and they aren’t _listening_ to him and _god_ , he finally knows how Logan felt that one time, so unresistant to Janus smoothly yanking him out-of-frame and impersonating him. he finally knows how Virgil felt when he left the dark sides, how Remus felt when he broke out, desperate for Thomas to see and know and _hear_ him.

Janus wants to shout, to scream, to silence them _all_ just to get them to be _quiet_ and listen to him, listen to each other, just _listen_. but he isn’t so powerful, and his acceptance by the others is still so new, still so fragile. he isn’t in the habit of deceiving himself—theirs is mutual acceptance, perhaps acquaintance, certainly not friendship. his doubt of them lingers easier in his head, twisting and tangling truths and lies until they look and sound and feel and are the same.

revealing his name wasn’t exactly easy, but in retrospect the act was nothing like the level of vulnerability he knows he needs to display now. only—only he’s used to keeping to himself and licking his own wounds. he isn’t used to playing this social game. he isn’t used to actively helping, isn’t used to caring about whether any of it makes him look the villain. and it’s still so difficult to ignore the tiny voice whispering for him to just ignore the conflict, to just sink out already.

_(_ _not his problem, is it?_ he _didn’t start the argument this time._ _)_

so at first it’s simplest to give in to the self-silencing terror of telling the truth. at first it’s almost a comfort to suck in the words and keep them trapped firm under his tongue.

and yet—telling the truth hurts, but holding onto the truth hurts just as much, god, it _hurts_.

and then the arguing and the yelling and the shouting and the _hurting_ all goes on, it goes on and on and on, and Janus doesn’t know what to do.

he doesn’t know if he should scream out the truth to them all, if he should just whisper it beneath the shouting, if he should just swallow it back down where it came from. he doesn’t know what he should do, doesn’t even know what he _wants_ to do. but regardless of what he wants, the words are bubbling and frothing in his throat, pushing closer and closer to the tip of his tongue, clamoring to be let out whether he likes it or not.

the others’ voices crescendo upwards as the words in his throat rise up like bile.

(closer and closer and closercloser _closer_ —)

they’re getting up in each others’ faces now, cameras and assigned spots forgotten, and Thomas is finally giving up on any attempt to salvage anything of whatever this had been—

—and so, _so_ scared that the truth is going to slip out otherwise, Janus _finally_ waves his hand.

the other sides freeze when they see him make that all-too-familiar motion. they and Thomas glance warily amongst themselves to see who his target will be this time...only to have their confused glances return to Janus upon seeing no hands covering any mouths.

and then they see. oh, they see. they _listen_.

_(too little, too late_ — _)_

for Janus has silenced himself.

**Author's Note:**

> ...aaaaaannd you decide if there’s a happy ending to that or not lol
> 
> ahhh but this was a bit of an experiment, so please do let me know what you think! should I do more lil pieces like this? ik it’s definitely not my usual style, and I messed around with punctuation and grammar and capitalization and things a bunch, too. but I thought it was fun! lmk what you think about it all. :3
> 
> if you want to write anything more substantial based upon this premise, feel free to! I like it as it is, and I think it’s a fine enough...drabble? ficlet?? thing??? but if you want to add to it or write your own interpretation of this scenario, please do! and let me know!! I want to read it and show all the love!!! ^^


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